So, last week was a big relationship week for a couple of my friends – a couple games ended.
One had changed his mind – the wedding party scheduled for the end of the month has been changed to a divorce party. They had gotten married in a low-key ceremony (I don’t think it was secret, just low key) and they had lived in married bliss for a while. But I guess were affected by the “conservation of greatness” going around. It is a sad note for my buddy, but I am glad he’s moving on and working on finding his own happiness.
On the other hand, another friend had issues with a guy she was with who was also, working on finding his own happiness. She’d been secretly (ha – this is more of a secret than a low-key sort of thing) seeing him off and on occasionally through the last couple of years. A big money kind of guy. I’d get excited trying to make plans for them, where he’s gotta spend lots of money, just cause he can. But she wouldn’t live them out. Or at least, wouldn’t admit to me that she’s lived them out. Though she is living in a new condo, now that I think about it…
Anyway – she’s found out recently that he’s getting married. Hmm…this weekend. Might be yesterday or today even. She thought that was kind of odd, seeing as how they’ve been off and on – where/how did this other lady come into the picture? Through mutual friends she found out that he’s been with this other girl for a while now – 2-3 years and that she’s preggers and that they’re getting married because of it. The mutual friends were willing to share all this info because they didn’t know that my friend and this guy were an off and on (is “on and off” more positive sounding?) item – that secret thing, remember?
So my friend’s a little furious and confused and embarrassed – but I don’t quite get it all. If it was as casual as she says it was from her point of view, then there’s no reason to feel “duped” or anything – there was no explicit agreement that there can be no fiancee or fiance on the side. If anything, I think she should be able to use a little bit of leverage here to get a new couch set or something. You know, that secret thing…
But she’s far too nice to do anything like that. Nice people are the ones to have affairs with it seems. Ha – reminds me of a line from the Dennis Leary cop show a couple years back (now he’s a fireman in Rescue Me – but I think I liked the cop show better). He had a girlfriend on the side and he was talking to her about something going on in his life and he was talking to a guy friend about the conversation he had with the girlfriend. And the guy friend was surprised that Dennis would bring the topic up with the girlfriend and Dennis points out – “If you can’t trust the girl you’re having an affair with, who can you trust?”
Finally – how about this Adele Parks and her talent for making book covers? I might have to use a couple others down the line…
So a secret little birdy thinks my poetic license should be revoked. Some corrections follow:
+ They were friends first and foremost – which is what was so confusing for her. Why would a friend do this to another friend? [Hmm…let’s see. A guy has a friend with occasional benefits and he doesn’t want to tell her about how he’s got a real girlfriend around the corner. I guess, maybe, he thinks that if they had a real strong friendship, then this little white lie/omission of the truth might not matter that much – if they were truly friends.]
+ There was an agreement – that if a boyfriend/girlfriend came into the picture, they would downgrade to just friends. And he never mentioned his girlfriend. And he just lied about it. And that’s where a bit of the anger over the abuse of her trust comes from. She never wanted to be the “other woman”. [This is asking for a phenomenal amount of will power. To kill the goose that’s laying the golden egg (so to speak)? The flip side might be – maybe the “girlfriend” was really just a friend as well, and then she was finally able to make the leap to girlfriend, and that all happened so fast…yeah. Not really likely. Just, it’s probably hard to turn off that faucet of love…]
+ She’s not preggers. He lied about that too. [I am actually kind of starting to like this guy. I didn’t ever like him before, but now, now it seems like he’s good for lots of conversation about over dinner and to have his storyline exit my life seems like I’m getting the short end of the stick.
Still, what bums me out about all this is just that my friend is bummed cause she feels like she made a bunch of mistakes. They’re not mistakes, until the second time you do them. Maybe three times – depending on how smart you are ( http://www.pbs.org/cringely/pulpit/pulpit20040819.html ). And for her to be sad or upset with herself over something that’s not really her fault – that’s a bum rap. She should go out and have a nice dinner and bottle of wine…except, maybe, that’s how this all got started in the first place…heheh.
Yeah – I’m not too good with that whole sensitivity thing.
Oh – one other thing – “you’re right. i didn’t use my leverage. i told our mutual friends that he’s a big liar but did not go into details because i didn’t want to open additional cans of worms or ruin his wife’s life.”
How does one make that call? Not ruining the wife’s life. Yet, he’s gonna do it eventually anyway. It’s freeing up the wife’s life earlier rather than later, isn’t it? Or is it? Reminds me of the Ceasar’s 24/7 premiere episode, where a guy hits on some women, then says he’ll meet them later on. Then the women see the guy with another woman 5 minutes later. So, to help the woman out, they go and tell her – “Hey, your boyfriend was just hitting on us – you better get him in check.” And the girlfriend, well, it’s not clear if she didn’t believe them or just didn’t want to hear it (again)(while cameras are rolling).
So they fought. In the lobby of Ceasar’s Palace. And I started to like the show a whole lot more. Except it’s never gotten that good since.
So tell the wife or don’t tell the wife? Or just ask the husband for a new living room set?
wow, this guy sounds like an incredible prick… i feel bad for your friend but i also gotta wonder how she could be “friends” with a guy & not realize he was so bastardly or, if she did know, remain friends with him…
Lots of bastardly ways can be hidden for an occasional fling. If they couldn’t be, how could people ever hookup?
Word is that the new wife was in a different city. So it was a bit easier to hide. And once she did find out, she got pretty irked about it. Thing is, I feel she’s being hardest on herself.
yeah, but it wasn’t just a fling, they were friends, right? anyway, she definitely shouldn’t beat herself up since he’s the piece of crap here.
Tell the wife or not? That’s what we need votes on. Catherine says yes. But is too shy to post it. heehee.
well, it depends on if she wants to take the “moral high road” or not. if so, then she shouldn’t say anything because if she did, it would really be doing out of vengeance & not out of concern for this woman (since clearly she doesn’t even know her). thus, by keeping his secret, she could say that she was a good “friend” to this crap weasel, even if he wasn’t a good friend to her.
of course, i think the “moral high road” is overrated. i’m totally with catherine & think she should tell wifey the deal, although i don’t suspect that wifey will necessarily take it as a favor.
Hey Cris, I didn’t know you read chick lit books!
i read about the first 1000 words.