So my father called today. Random chit chat. Until he talked about something that he saw the other day at lunch. He said it sickened him. What was it? Well, before he’d tell me, he asked a few questions. “It is a fathering thing. Did I ever berate you guys? Did I ever put you guys down to your face or in public? I don’t remember doing it.”
Now, we’ll address the “to your face” aspect of the question some other day, after X dollars of therapy. And the “I don’t remember” is cute too. But those weren’t the heart of his question. How could I reply to that question he was asking me? Hmm…I didn’t want to dig up too many skeletons, but didn’t want to lie either. Okay…
“Well, let’s see – what was it you used call us?? chino? feo?” My father used to think cute nicknames for us should include spanish versions of “chinese” and “ugly”.
He laughed. And replied with – “Well, those are things you can’t change. Things you have no control over. I heard this lady calling her son lazy today and it sickened me. I don’t remember calling you guys lazy.”
We went on to discuss things like self-image and so forth – he said he didn’t know much about those things – they didn’t exist when he was a kid.? And we just changed the subject to something else, something lighter, something less real. Relationships are sometimes easier that way. Better? I dunno. Easier, yes.
Later on I got to thinking – I don’t know much about him as a kid. Very little. If you asked me to tell you a story about his childhood, I’d try, and it might sound authentic, but really, I wouldn’t be sure what was stuff I really remembered and what I was making up. I know very little.
Which struck me, because lots of the fantasy conversations I have with Salvador in the future revolve around things that happened to me as a kid. “When I was younger, I didn’t get a green machine, though Randy, down the street, he had one. I always wanted one. But never got one. Now, I’m your dad. And now I have one. But you don’t Sal. Because not getting everything you want, is part of life. And your big-wheel is just as good as my green machine, though, let’s be honest, the green machine is just cooler.” Stories like that. Life’s lessons based on my own childhood experiences.
I guess I want him to know I can relate to what he’s going through. Not sure how that will help. But it seems like a good idea now (feel free to comment). Yeah, I might have to change the tone – they won’t all be so somber either. But the point would be to let him know that we can talk – that he can trust that I can try to understand his position as a kid – cause I’ll have related my position as a kid to him. And so forth.
My father’s response to me over the years as I’ve gone to him for advice has been pretty consistent. It was generally “So what?” Took me years to figure out that it was a “doesn’t really matter in the scheme of things” and not a “I don’t care”. But when I thought it was a “I don’t care” response, well, those were tougher times. In lots of ways, as I got older, I’ve realized that my father and I are on completely different pages when it comes to how we see the world. It took me years to figure that out. And in the end, I was ashamed it took me so long.
I’m not saying that Salvador and I need to be on the same page for all of our lives, but I’m just hoping Sal and I can realize our situation sooner. Hopefully, I’ll go the extra step and help him decipher my sentences – but misunderstandings are the beauty of language.
The beauty of language: an idea in my head (sets of neurons firing in my head) try to get mapped to words which have meant particular things to me through my life’s experience and then those words are picked up by someone else, who has a different set of life experiences to map meanings onto those words and in the end, are represented by a different set of neurons firing in their head – how could it possibly be the same idea? Similar is the best we can get.
Shopgirl by Steve Martin (yeah, that Steve Martin – we saw him pitching the movie on a rerun of Letterman one night and it seemed interesting enough. Strange to read a book, after seeing just the trailers for a movie – not sure I’ve done that before – but as I read it, I picture Steve and Claire Danes playing the roles, without the distraction of the visuals of the movie…strange.) is a little book we read today – Catherine and I. Some parts together. Some parts separately while the other hung out with Sal. It highlights a lot of misunderstandings. It is a fun read because of that. It pokes fun at the different ways people see the same things. And we laugh, cause we understand it, we can relate. And yet, we just can’t stop them from happening. Funny.
Life’s funny that way.
And at the worse, life being funny that way, well, it just leaves me with more stories for Sal – I’ll be a virtual jackpot when we get to the? topics of irony and karma and so forth…
