A while back, one morning I was watching some goofy videos on the web, as I feel they keep me in a good mood all day. Sal joined me. That morning we saw a guy spank a female friend, her jump up in shock, and then him smashing a pie in her face. Good stuff.
A bit later on, I was walking by Catherine, who was leaning over, and made eye contact with Sal. I wound up like I was going to give her an enormous spanking, but I didn’t. Just pretended to, her not noticing. Then Sal asks “But where is her pie?” And his mother is confused why he’s asking about a pie for her.
As I explained the story to a mother that didn’t look so pleased, I started to question my life choices. During some point in my life, consciously or not, I had decided that pies were to be eaten and not thrown. Now, I wasn’t quite so sure anymore.
And over the past few months, I’ve gotten more and more curious about what the pie throwing lifestyle would be like. I don’t feel like I’ve been able to find that initial video Sal and I saw, but I’ve seen a lot. Buzzfeed has a nice page of tips too. That couple in 19 could be the couple Sal and I saw originally, but it doesn’t quite feel like it to me. My memory of it is a different angle. But my internet memory ain’t so good no more.
With all this research I’ve done though, I feel like I might want to try it out. I’ve been so bold as to even tell Catherine that sometime this year, she’s going to get a pie in the face. It was like that moment in Taken, when he tells his daughter she’s going to get taken…except it was in person, not over the phone. And it was about a pie in the face.
She didn’t have any kind words in return, but she had a smile on her face. She doesn’t have a poker face…I know she’s going to enjoy it.
I’ve asked others who have had similar lifestyle choices and some are curious too. Though I’ve heard divorce threatened too.
But then, it brings up the option of pie swapping. If your wife and my wife won’t let us throw a pie in their faces, what if we do it to each other’s wives?
Or get an external agent. My brother, though, says he doesn’t want any part of such funny business. Still, he suggested that maybe I could Task Rabbit it. Probably falls under the “food delivery” category. I’m sure you can be as specific as you want to be, if the price is right. “Pick up a pie from Safeway and deliver it to her face.”
I might also pay to get myself pied too. To try and move suspicion away from me.
But I think part of why I am drawn to it is the feeling of the pie and face becoming one. (Side note here – my brother said he’d prefer a cake to the face instead of a pie. I take requests. Though he didn’t approve of me holding an ice cream cake like a bat and introducing the cake to his face that way…go figure.)
Of course, since I’ve felt my pies were to be eaten and not thrown for so long, it hasn’t been easy for me to make the change quickly. The signs are there though. Catherine still smiles when I mention it. I bet she’s smiling as she’s reading this even. And the harsh words are not so harsh anymore.
Plus Marie Callender’s just sent us a Happy Anniversary coupon for two free slices of pie.
Destiny can’t be any clearer.