Mind gaming myself.

The fact that no one likes losing is pretty obvious.  And some people take losing as a reason to practice and compete more and other people take it as a reason to quit.  Some even use the chance of losing as a reason to not get out.

But I’m too bored for all that.  I lose a lot.  And try again.  And lose.  I just like the competition.

What’s probably experienced less, is being told one is going to lose.  That sucks too.  Not only will I lose, but I have the peanut gallery saying I’m going to lose.

So I end up telling them – I’ll bet you too!  Most of my issues are resolved by betting someone something.

So Ben’s taking EJ’s side in this body fat percentage percentage bet.  That’s fine.  I can use a little motivation like that.  Except he kept talking about how EJ’s a lock.  And EJ might be. But I can’t admit that right now.

So I’ve got a side bet going on.  Thought about the stakes for a while last night…and just confirmed them.  During days when we play basketball, the winner will be able to demand a turnover from the loser up to 2 times a day…for 2 months.  I like it cause it effects teams of people and not just the individuals.  And it’s not money. Pride is cheap.

As we were talking it over, Travis wanted some action too.  So I’ll be either +4 steals a day or +4 turnovers a day…

But that’s the easy part of mind gaming.  The more difficult part I discovered yesterday, when Ben commented on me grabbing a pack of M&Ms from the bowl.

“EJ wouldn’t do that.”

And I’m thinking “That’s right – he wouldn’t, but it’s still not going to help him!”  And I rip open the M&Ms defiantly and eat them. All.

And that’s not the right response. But I’m so bent on disagreeing and being full of myself that that’s the natural response for me.  I spent lunch thinking about how to fix that.

Walking back from lunch, I confessed all my inner tendencies to disagree and the deep seeded desire to show people that they are wrong and then even make them pay for not backing me.  I’m hoping, that if it’s clear now that I feel that way, that next time Ben comments about how EJ’s willpower is amazing and mine is in shambles, I’ll be able to put down the pack of M&Ms and thank my coach.

I did bring a pack of M&Ms back for Sal.  And I did only have 1 donut for breakfast.

After having a Tommy’s chili burrito. And hash brown. And chili sausage egg & cheese breakfast sandwich.

Anyway, it’s something that’s effected me for a while now – not just with Ben and his lack of respect, but even with Catherine.  Kari I think felt Catherine’s pain one day when we were talking about this.  No matter what she said, “Maybe you shouldn’t eat that?” or “You said you were only going to eat 2 cookies” or “How many bags of marshmellows are you going to eat during this commercial break?” I never took it as the support she was offering but as criticism of my willpower and decision making process. And my gut response was to eat it, possibly more, just to show her that my decision was better and I would survive the consequences.

Now I’ll just say “Thanks coach” and be able to move on.   At least, that’s what I hope. Let’s see if we can reprogram myself at this old age…

Update: Catherine and I were talking about dinner options.  She says “Fast food dinner?”  I reply “Angry whopper!”  So maybe she’s learned a trick or two herself!