Jan 212006

…of course it was – I was in Seattle again.? I looked upwards, swore siliently at the Gods that trapped me here again, sighed deeply, and prepared for the worst.? In hindsight, it should have been obvious that my idea of the worst and her idea would have very little in common.

I knocked on the door and…

  8 Responses to “It was a dark and stormy night…”

  1. … it swung open. and there i stood, in the lair of the purvey. i hadn’t wanted to come but there was a promise of large food. instead, i find a dark empty house. it’s lack of people notwithstanding, i felt as if i were pinned to the wall by hundreds of eyes. damn crapweasels.

  2. No matter how many times I go through the motions, no matter how many times I’ve lied to myself, I end up in the same situation every time. It never gets easier. The freakish-ness never leaves you. It is something that hangs in the air and follows you into your dreams. I could try and explain it for days, to reason with you, but it wouldn’t make sense to you unless you were there. Shallow rationalizations. Incoherent blabberings. I’ve stopped trying to explain it. It was just something I was good at and paid decent money. There’d be time later, over a few too many beers, where I could get philosophical – but it was go time.

    I put my sign over the door handle, closed it, and could feel the adrenaline kicking in already. Double checked the deadbolt. It was locked. It’d take time for anything to get out. Or in. It’s odd, sometimes, when people ignore the sign and try to wander in. What is unclear about my bold red “CRAPWEASEL EXTERMINATION IN PROGRESS” sign?

  3. my girlfriday, benny, didn’t want me to take this job. she was scared. scared real bad. in all my years in this dirty rotten business, i’d never seen her cringe from a job until now.

    the thing was, this was it. according to benny, this godforsaken hovel is where the abominations had started. were created.

    if i finished it here & now, i’d essentially ace myself out of a career. sure, there’d be a couple of clean-up jobs here & there but finally, it’d just be me & benny trying to figure out what other kinda of business we could run out of that rancid little office on guilder street.

    assuming i made it back there.

  4. Slowly, methodically, I worked my way through the swarms of weasels.

    Fonz-fleece got the thumbs down

    Smug-fleece not so smug anymore.

    Urp-fleece put up a good battle, but it ran out of steam.

    Tumor-fur gave me the heebie-jeebies, but was a satisfying kill.

    The nubby ones, they were the pesky ones. You think they are dead, but then all the nubs fly off and become weasels of their own right.

    I was unusually efficient. As I passed a mirror, I couldn’t help but catch my reflection. When Benny wanted me to dress up in a Tomb-Raider like outfit, saying my curves would put Angelina’s to shame, I thought it was just a ridiculous marketing ploy. It accentuated everything almost too much. But when I caught a glance of myself, I could tell she was right. Through the crapweasel fur floating in the air, i couldn’t help but think – women didn’t come much hotter than me today.

    But thinking this might be the last time I’m in this little latex/rubber outfit made me realize I’m gonna miss it. Then again, I was sure Benny would come up with some reason why I would need to put the outfit on “just one more time”.

  5. there’s no denying, my body was born to wear latex, rubber, leather, paint, you name it. there’s a reason i won the coveted Tucky Trophy, hailing me as Ms. Crossdresser 2005 & wasn’t the false eyelashes, baby.

  6. It was Benny’s idea – after she saw that Connie and Carla movie. She wanted me out of stripping – to leave the lifestyle, but I was having trouble. It wasn’t the money so much as the attention. So we took on the drag queen circuit. And that helped ween me out of the biz. And the fact that my nephew got a package in the mail – a “crapweasel” – that stole his soul and left him with a permanent snarl on his face – as if he’s propositioning folks in a dark alley.

    That’s when all hell broke loose.

  7. my nephew and i had always been close. even before i had the extensive sex change operations. hell – he had been the best friend a guy/girl could have. to see his soul sucked out of him and to have such a grotesque shell of a reminder left behind – well – i couldn’t handle it. after i had picked myself out of the funk that manifested in stripping and cross-dressing – benny had an idea for redemption. to eradicate all of the mac-crapweasels – the most insidious of all. this place was rumored to have the last 2.

    and one of them, well, one of them was beginning his descent down the winding stairs towards me.

    the thing that made this type so dangerous – sure – partially it was it’s ability to knock out your parietal lobes with a concentrated stare of his one big eye – but this one also had the odd capability of mind-controlling the others. and when one came to town – well – you knew you had a lot of others on your back too.

  8. So I turned on my Ionized Aqua-Magnetitrik mister, not quite making me invisible, but making me pretty hard to see. It was reflective on the outside somehow. I asked q*bert how he made it reflective and I got no answer. Sort of how he treated all my “non-critical” questions.

    The crapweasel looked a little surprised by the fog and I took that moment as my chance to unleash my twin cannons. Most of the public thinks that the strange zigzagging beams used in Ghostbusters are things of pure science fiction, but as I felt the power of my guns in my hands, I was glad they weren’t. q*bert told me it had to do with parallel universes and quantum physics and macaroni, but it was a bit beyond me. All I needed to know was that it was about to turn this MacWeasel into a McMuffin.

 Leave a Reply

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>